My name is Lauren Roylance, I am 22 years old and a returned LDS missionary of nearly 6 months. I knew when I left on my mission two years ago that life would be hard. I would be stretched, pulled and pounded into a better person. I knew I would struggle in ways that I had never struggled before. And I did. However, I never expected to find that the battle doesn't end when I step off the plane. The battle shifts to a new field with new players.
In the last 6 months I have struggled to reconcile who I had grown to be with who I was now changing into. A person quite frankly, that I didn't very much like. I began to seriously question my faith and religious standing in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. People would say "Oh you were a great missionary" or "You are doing so well!" and I would simply think "No I am not, I am a chocolate mess." I stopped attending all my church meetings regularly, using the fact that I was required to work Sunday's as my excuse. I let the habits that had become second nature slip out of my life.
The more I questioned, the more miserable I became and my negative attitude began affecting other aspects of my life. I became apathetic, not caring how my actions affected those around me. Then one day I decided that I needed to know the answers to my questions. I figured, this church was "restored" by a young man having the courage to ask questions. Why could it not be the same for me?
So, I bought a cheap Book of Mormon and wrote my questions on the inside cover. I began to read it on my lunch break, receiving odd looks from my coworkers. Still, I was miserable.
About a week ago, I was sitting in the car of a good friend of mine. It was late and I had just gotten off of work, so we decided to grab some McDonald's and go for a drive. We began to chat and our conversation eventually led to religion and the questions I was struggling through. I must give my friend credit, he doesn't beat around the bush, something I really appreciate. As we were talking, I was hit between the eyes with a powerful thought. Simply put "Choose to believe until proven otherwise." The simplicity of it stopped me in my tracks. What an idea! Simply choose to believe. Huh. So, I decided to try it out. It has been about a week and I feel happier. Now, it doesn't take away my questions or habits I am struggling through, but it does shine light in the direction I should go.
I have a lot of personal work to do on myself over a long road ahead. I am a work in progress, but that is what this life is for, to come to know God. We each have our own road to take with construction along the way. The best thing we can do is hug those that have a blown out tire or are stuck in a rut. Sometimes, the best fix is a good friend who simply loves. There are plenty of drivers that will give odd glances. What is needed is kindness and patience. Those who wander are not lost, they just are paving new trails.
